Okay, so listen — I wasn’t planning to write an iPhone 16 review this year. Honestly, I told myself (and like three friends, and my barber on Steinway) that I was skipping this one. “I’m good. My 14 still works. I’m not falling for it.” You know how we lie to ourselves?
Cut to me: standing in the Queens Center Mall, holding a vanilla iced coffee that was mostly melted water, staring at this shiny little rectangle like it just whispered my name.
I swear these things have their own gravity field.
Anyway — I caved. I bought it. And after living with it for a couple weeks, I’ve got thoughts. Messy thoughts. Like, the kind you only share with a friend over coffee when you’re too tired to pretend you’ve got your life together.
So here we go.
(And yes, if you’re reading for the actual features, don’t worry — they’re in here. Somewhere. Probably surrounded by me ranting about autocorrect.)
The First 10 Minutes With the iPhone 16 — AKA, Me Being a Clown
I unboxed it on my couch, which, if we’re being honest, is where 98% of my major life decisions happen. The iPhone 16 looks… well… like an iPhone. Sleek. Pretty. The kind of thing that makes you feel like your life is about to get slightly more together even though nothing else is changing.
My wife sat next to me and goes,
“Didn’t you say you weren’t buying it?”
And I’m like,
“I say a lot of things.”
If you’re also someone who upgrades way too often, you get it. There’s something addictive about that moment the screen lights up for the first time and you think, maybe THIS phone will turn me into a person who wakes up at 6 am and drinks water voluntarily.
Spoiler: it didn’t. But it tried.
The Features You’ll Actually Love about iPhone 16 review
Let’s get into the good stuff first because I’m trying to be positive today.
1. The Battery Life Actually Slaps
Look — I don’t know what Apple did. Witchcraft? A deal with the tech gods? I don’t care. The battery lasts forever now.
I went a whole day — like from Astoria to Midtown to literally a Costco in Brooklyn — and still had juice left. Normally, by 3 pm I’m hunting for a charger like I’m in an episode of Survivor: NYC Subway Edition.
This alone made me think, “Okay, fine Apple, you win this round.”
2. The Camera Makes Everyone Look Better Than Reality
You ever take a photo of someone and they immediately go, “OMG send me that one”? That’s what this camera does. Even my sister — who hates every photo ever taken of her — was like, “Okay, this one’s not bad.”
It smooths things just a little. Brings out colors like it’s auditioning to be a Pixar movie. And the low-light mode? Bro. I took a photo inside a dimly lit Jackson Heights restaurant and it somehow looked like a Michelin star chef was filming a documentary.
3. The New Touch ID on the Side
Look, I know everyone’s been screaming for this since 2020. It’s finally back. On the side button. And honestly? Game changer. Especially if you’ve got greasy fingers from eating samosas at midnight (don’t judge me).
Unlocks fast. Feels natural. Makes me question why I spent years pretending Face ID was okay.
4. The AI Stuff is… Actually Kinda Cool
I’m usually skeptical when Apple starts talking AI. Like okay sure, my phone can “learn my habits.” Same. I also learn my habits: they are bad.
But the new AI-powered photo cleanup actually works. I removed a random guy photobombing in the background of a Coney Island picture and it didn’t turn him into a cursed blob creature. For once.
The summaries in messages? Helpful. Slightly creepy. But helpful. Especially for those long family WhatsApp forwards that start with “Good morning friends” and end 45 paragraphs later.
The Features You’ll Hate (Or At Least Side-Eye Hard)
Because we can’t pretend Apple magically grew up and stopped being dramatic.
1. The Price Made Me Physically Ill
I paid more for this phone than I paid for my first car. Granted, that car was $800 and held together by hope and electrical tape, but STILL.
The price tag feels like Apple saw the economy and said, “Let’s make it worse.”
2. The New Charging Thing is Confusing
Apple changed the charging animation or whatever, and now it gives me anxiety because sometimes it looks like it’s charging fast, sometimes not, and I just want consistency in my life.
Also the cable feels slightly different and I don’t know why that bothers me but it does.
3. It’s Slippery. Like… Why.
This phone slides off every surface like it’s trying to escape. Off the couch or counter. Off my lap.
I feel like Apple designs these things to encourage us to buy cases. Like it’s a trap. A shiny, expensive trap.
H3: 4. The AI Voice Notes Summaries are Too Honest
I sent a voice note to my friend ranting about my job, and the summary said:
“Lengthy message expressing frustration with workload and confusion about team responsibilities.”
EXCUSE ME???
Just say I’m stressed and move on!
Is the iPhone 16 Worth Buying? (This Part Might Hurt)
Look, I’m gonna be real: I like it. I do. It’s fast, it’s pretty, it makes me feel successful on days I am absolutely not.
But do you need the iPhone 16?
Probably not.
Do you want the iPhone 16?
…Yeah. Yeah you probably do.
If you’re on an iPhone 13 or older, totally worth it. If you’ve got a 14 or 15, it’s more like, “Do you want slightly better battery and to feel a tiny bit cooler for a week?”
No judgment. We’ve all done worse for less.
The Moments That Actually Made Me Laugh
Because sometimes tech is only fun when it fails in entertaining ways.
- I tried the new live translation feature at a deli in Jackson Heights and it confidently told me the guy said, “Your sandwich has betrayed you.”
He said nothing even close to that. - The phone overheard me saying “I need a break” and suggested Meditation apps.
Bro. Chill. - My niece asked if it could talk like Siri but in a British accent “that sounds cooler,” and the phone actually tried.
It was… not good. Like Siri pretending to be on Downton Abbey.
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Pros and Cons about iPhone 16 review
PROS
- Battery is monster-level
- Camera makes you look like you slept eight hours
- Side Touch ID (finally!!)
- The AI feels helpful, not gimmicky
- Colors are pretty — yes, this matters
CONS
- Very expensive
- Slippery like a buttered otter
- Too honest summaries
- Charging animation gives “identity crisis”
- Still no headphone jack (I’m still mad)
Would I Buy It Again iPhone 16 review?
Probably. Look, I’m weak. I’m the target demographic. I like shiny things and I like feeling like my phone “just works,” even though half the time I’m the problem.
But I’ll say this — if Apple’s goal with the iPhone 16 was to make a phone that feels familiar but upgraded enough to tempt you… they nailed it.
If the goal was to make a device that doesn’t slide off my couch every 12 minutes… zero stars.
Two Outbound Links You Can Add
(Keep it human, keep it fun)
- A hilarious blog about tech addiction: https://waitbutwhy.com
- A personal tech-tinkering blog with messy charm: https://marco.org
